If you have an iPhone, Android and other device, you may have heard your spouse or significant other on occasion say things like “will you get your head out of that thing!” or “that da*ned iPhone is ruining our marriage!”.
So, wouldn’t it nice to be able to utilize the power of technology to help improve your relationship rather than the opposite?
This is what this post is about. It will describe three *hypothetical* app ideas for your device that could enhance or save your relationship.
Note: this is a JOKE post; I apologize in advance to those who might take offense to what I am about to say, as well as those who might want these apps desperately, as they don’t exist
I know that some of these apps are far fetched and likely impossible; take these with a grain of salt and some suspension of disbelief, please. Did I mention already that this is a joke post?
#1: The Conversation Log
Ever had situations where your significant other claims that you said or didn’t say something, when you are 100% sure that you didn’t say it or said it, respectively? Of course you have. “You never tell me I am pretty”; “but honey, I said that the other day, as soon as I walked in the door”. Or “you said that you would call me on your lunch break today!!”; “I did? When did I say that?”, etc.
With “Conversation Log”, these arguments will belong to the past.
How it works: Conversation Log is an app that is installs on both your and your significant other’s phones. When your phone detects that your significant other’s phone is in range (is this even possible? let’s assume that it is …) it automatically starts recording all audio, compressing it, and if in range of a WIFI network uploading it to the cloud in order to conserve space on your device. The audio is saved for future reference; but, additionally, it gets automatically transcribed to text by workers fluent in your language that don’t know you, and that reside in a developing country.
The result: a searchable transcript of all of your conversations around your significant other, at all times. If your significant other says that you said something, play it back for him or her (“let’s not argue about this, honey, let’s listen to what really happened”). The next time he/she claims that you never tell them they’re pretty, simply do a search and find the 24 instances in the last 3 weeks or whatever that you did — and then prepare to be thrown out of the house anyway
#2: Foot-in-Mouth Preventer
Have you ever said things in the heat of an argument that you shouldn’t have? Take heart, it happens to many, which is why this app can be so useful.
Like “The Conversation Log” above, the “Foot-in-Mouth Preventer” (FIMP for short) is installed on your and your honey’s devices in order to detect when you’re both at the same place, and, when that is the case, it starts doing it’s thing. But this one does not record; instead, it listens to what you are saying and (suspension of disbelief please) identifies things coming out of your mouth that your shouldn’t be saying. When it detects these, it will generate a fake phone call with a special ring to make you snap out of your angry trance, and give you an excuse to stop speaking and excuse yourself to take that ‘very important phone call from your boss’ or whatever. Hopefully before your mouth does too much damage.
It just may be the best $1.99 you’ve every spent.
This one for men, or for women looking for a nice gift idea for their man.
Look, hormones are no joke. They are serious business! PMS refers to Premenstrual syndrome, of course, and if you are not sure what it means then you probably can skip this app; it is likely not for you. The rest of us men who have experienced our loved ones go through it first hand know that it can be a time of great flux and inexplicable… anger. (For a definition of PMS, go here).
The next time you find yourself wondering what the hell is going on, and why you may be the recipient of so much acute and intense negativity, consider that it is simply the life cycle moving past you (or through you, as the case may be). Though it feels like it, it may not be personal at all, and it WILL pass.
PMS Early Alarm is a simple app that will figure out your wife or girlfriend’s next PMS episode, and will warn you to take precautions. It will request that you input any of a number of events, such as the end of the last period you know of, the last crisis, or other indicators, and it will take it from there.
This knowledge can be a life saver. If you are unable to hide or skip town, then at least you could stop by and grab some roses or invest in a diamond ring or something.
Note: I got the Steve Jobs pic above from a source that had not seen the obvious!
Do you have more app ideas? Please share them below.